


004

by kiholove



Series: one hundred true moments [4]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-19 06:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13698747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiholove/pseuds/kiholove
Summary: It's Valentine's Day, and Kihyun is worried about Hoseok.





	004

**Author's Note:**

> next month, i'll be starting a monthly kiho fanfic challenge here on ao3! if you're a monsta x/kiho writer and you're interested, check out the page [here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/kihomonthly/profile)!

For as long as Kihyun has known him, Hoseok has never liked Valentine's Day. 

It worries Kihyun so much, causes his stomach to clench tightly and his chest to burn with hurt how every year, his normally loving, cheerful hyung suddenly becomes so sad, so sullen, fatigued and closed-off, even to Kihyun, the one person whom he always turns to, whom he can always count on and trust when he needs support. Kihyun doesn't know how or why it happens, it just happens, and every year seems to be worse than the one before. 

February 14th comes along, and like a perfectly-timed curse, Hoseok will sink into a sudden and intense bout of depression. He won't smile, he won't laugh, he won't talk to anyone. He won't spend any time with Kihyun. Instead, he'll spend the whole day inside, in the bedroom, in his bunk, alone, staring into space with unreadable emotions darkening his usually bright eyes, lost in his own thoughts and giving off an aura of defeat, of hopelessness. And it's so different from his sunny personality, always near to bursting with joy, it's like Hoseok becomes a different person, like the seemingly harmless holiday sucks all of the spirit right out of his body until all that's left is a cold, empty shell. There's none of his usual warmth, none of the usual love he exudes from every part of his being. 

It's like every year, he dies for a day. 

And even after all this time, Hoseok won't tell Kihyun why. Kihyun tries to get him to open up, not in a prying sort of way, but he'll open the door to the bedroom, peek his head in, and ask, in a quiet, caring voice, "Is everything okay, hyung?" 

Hoseok won't respond, won't even look up at Kihyun, and Kihyun will swallow down the hurt, and continue, "You know you can always talk to me." 

Kihyun will push the door open a little more, stand there in the doorway, and look down at his feet, feeling like he's been doused with ice-water as he tries not to cry. 

"I hope you know I'm always here for you, hyung," Kihyun will say, lips quivering, "whatever you need, I'm here." 

Every year, it goes like this. 

And Hoseok won't even look at him, and Kihyun will sigh deeply, crushed, and he'll close the door gently, and he'll leave Hoseok to deal with whatever it is he's dealing with. If Hoseok wants to keep things to himself, Kihyun respects that, even though it hurts him so terribly, even though he wants nothing more than to know what's going on, so that they can work through it together, so that Kihyun can make everything okay again. 

Hoseok is his best friend, someone that Kihyun cares deeply about, and it kills him inside that he can't do anything to help him. 

It's so strange and so troubling, because Hoseok trusts Kihyun with everything, literally _everything_. They trust _each other_ , open up to each other about every manner of secrets and problems and feelings that they won't share with anyone else. They know each other better than anyone else, better than they know themselves, more than just friends but _partners_ , in everything, and the fact that Hoseok has this one, single secret, one thing weighing down on him so awfully, but that he won't share with Kihyun, makes Kihyun feel like a failure. He wonders what it is that he's doing wrong, why Hoseok won't confide in him about something so important when he always does so with everything else, and he wonders what the right thing to do is, the right way to get through to Hoseok, to help him unburden himself, because seeing Hoseok like this breaks Kihyun's heart. 

And every year, he hopes with everything he has that it won't happen. This year, he awakens on the morning of February 14th with anxiety churning around in his stomach. But, to his great disappointment, this year appears to be more of the same. No, not just more of the same, but worse. 

It's Valentine's Day, and Hoseok won't even leave his bed, won't even leave from under the covers. 

When Kihyun goes to the second bedroom to check on him, he's buried underneath a mound of blankets, and curled up facing the wall. But he's awake, Kihyun can tell by his uneven, anxious breathing, and the way he freezes in place, pretending to still be asleep when Kihyun steps in quietly to wake up Hyungwon and Hyunwoo. It's a lucky thing that their schedule is free this year, and that they have nowhere to go, because in past years, Hoseok has had to put on a fake smile, soldier on even when Kihyun could see how much it was killing him to pretend that everything was alright, even when Kihyun could see the deep sorrow lurking in his eyes. 

Though, when Kihyun really thinks about it, maybe it's not such a lucky thing after all, that they're home for Valentine's Day this year, because when they're home like this, there's no escape from what's happening, no distraction, and all he can think about all day is poor Hoseok, all closed-up and alone, refusing to allow Kihyun in to help him. Even when Kihyun tries to lure him out of bed with movies, with games, even with his favorite ramen, Hoseok won't budge. 

The truth is, Kihyun's only consolation is that he knows that by tomorrow, Hoseok will be completely back to normal, as if nothing ever happened. It will be like flipping a switch, and though Kihyun will still feel uneasy about the whole thing, he knows it'll pass in a few days, and they'll all forget about it again until next year. But until then, Valentine's Day will be painful for Kihyun too, something he's been dreading like an oncoming storm. 

In the weeks leading up to today, he'd spent many long nights wondering what could possibly cause Hoseok to act like this every year. And no matter how many times he went 'round and 'round in his head, he'd always come to the same conclusion, that Hoseok must be thinking about some long-lost love, someone he can't be with anymore since becoming a trainee and then an idol, someone that he still can't move on from. Valentine's Day must remind him of what he had to give up, and it must break his heart all over again when forced to confront it on the annual day of romance. 

And whenever Kihyun's mind started to wander down that path, he'd be overcome with two distinct kinds of pain. One, the simpler, easier-to-understand of the two, came from empathy. He hated seeing his best friend so down, and hated being unable to stop it from happening, and being unable to remedy it once it took hold. 

The other kind of pain, it came from deep inside Kihyun's chest, deep and low, buried underneath everything else, bubbled up thick and sticky from his core, and it was a much more nauseating, prickly kind of pain, something he couldn't quite identify, but that flared up wildly at even the thought of Hoseok pining so intensely over some mystery person from his past. 

But Kihyun tried not to dwell on it, because he didn't like the feeling at all, not one bit. 

And as the day goes on, as Hoseok sulks alone in his room and the other members go in and out of the dorm doing this and that, Kihyun watches over Hoseok from a distance, hovers around the bedroom door, knowing that Hoseok can hear him and wondering if this might be the year that they finally talk about it. 

Later that night, the others all go out to dinner with the manager, but Kihyun declines the invitation and decides to stay in with Hoseok, still worried about him as always, and suddenly, they're all alone. While normally, they would love being alone together, would enjoy a silly movie or work on some songs or just goof around, right now, the empty dorm feels oppressive, and the tension in the air is suffocating. 

It's getting late, and Kihyun has run out of chores and activities to distract himself with, and so before he heads off to sleep, he decides to try one more time, to try _one last time_ to get through to Hoseok and finally be able to help him through whatever he's struggling with. Kihyun turns off the lights all over the dorm and walks slowly and softly down the hallway to the other bedroom, hesitating at the doorway before he gently pushes it open to peek inside. 

Hoseok is exactly where he left him, still under the covers, still turned away and facing the wall, still awake and staring off into space. The room is dark, the only light coming in from the hallway and from the full moon glowing in the window. Kihyun frowns, feels a fresh wave of hurt, and coughs lightly to announce his presence, though he's positive Hoseok was listening and heard him coming. 

"I'm going to bed, hyung," Kihyun says, voice gentle. He doesn't say anything else, leaves the unspoken invitation to talk hanging in the air for Hoseok to accept if he wants to. 

Hoseok doesn't answer, and after a few more seconds, Kihyun sighs in defeat, pressure pushing at the backs of his eyes. He starts to turn away, pulling the door closed behind him. 

"Kihyunnie," Hoseok murmurs, voice deep and throaty from lack of use, "wait." 

Kihyun's breath catches in his chest and he freezes, not even daring to hope. "Yes, hyung?" he asks, carefully, still turned away. 

"Come here," Hoseok says, and Kihyun turns around in time to see him moving out from under the covers and sitting up slowly in his bunk, the blankets pooling at his hips as he runs a hand through his messy hair. He looks pale and tired in his simple black t-shirt and pajama pants, and all Kihyun wants is to take care of him. 

After a slight pause, Kihyun carefully makes his way to Hoseok's bunk and sits down at the end, by Hoseok's feet. Kihyun's hands drop to his lap and he looks down nervously. It's so bizarre, because there's never this kind of awkwardness or tension between them, but right now, Kihyun feels like he's dealing with someone else, someone who isn't strong and brave like Hoseok, but someone who is fragile, made of glass, and Kihyun doesn't want to break him. 

To his surprise, Hoseok lets out a quiet, almost inaudible chuckle, and Kihyun looks up at him quickly, color rushing to his cheeks. He makes eye contact with Hoseok and is surprised again at the softness there as Hoseok pats the small space next to him, between his body and the wall. 

"Next to me, Kihyunnie," he says, his voice smooth and soothing, rumbling up from his chest, and for a moment, Kihyun sees a glimmer of the Hoseok he knows and loves. 

Kihyun hesitates, unsure, but Hoseok insists, pats the space next to him a few more times. And so, Kihyun lifts his bare feet up from the floor and crawls into the bunk, into the space between Hoseok and the wall, and settles under the covers next to Hoseok. It's a tight fit even as they both turn over to face each other, lying on their sides and sharing Hoseok's single pillow, but that's never been an issue for them; they've spent more than a few nights sleeping next to each other for comfort whenever idol life got to be a little too much to handle alone. 

Their feet and legs are touching, and they're pressed almost flush together all the way up their bodies, and Kihyun isn't wearing any pants, just a large t-shirt and underwear. The warmth coming off of Hoseok's body has Kihyun's head spinning, and Hoseok's face is so close; their noses are just barely touching, and if either one of them moved forward just an inch or two, their lips would touch. 

A rush of heat blossoms in Kihyun's heart at the thought, and he quickly shoos it away. 

"Kihyunnie," Hoseok murmurs, looking into Kihyun's eyes. Without another word, their hands find each other under the covers and their fingers intertwine, and Kihyun's heart is pounding so hard he can't even hear himself think. Hoseok's hand is large and warm and holds onto Kihyun's tightly. 

"Hyung," Kihyun starts, voice timid. He squeezes Hoseok's hand and doesn't break eye contact as he continues, "What is this?" 

Hoseok sighs, his eyes darting around Kihyun's face, and there's a long moment of silence before Hoseok answers. 

"There's..." Hoseok starts, finally, his eyebrows furrowing and his gaze slipping downward so that all Kihyun sees are his eyelashes, "there's...someone I'm thinking about." 

He pauses again before he continues. "And I..." 

"I know, hyung," Kihyun interrupts, and he suddenly feels like he's going to cry again. "I mean...I figured..." 

He lets go of Hoseok's hand and blinks away tears, his chest aching with that awful, bubbling kind of pain that he can't quite identify, but whatever it is, it's consuming him, as some blurry, half-formed image of a beautiful girl, one who must hold tightly onto Hoseok's heart, flashes through his mind. He thought he was prepared for the truth, and yet, when actually confronted with it like this, Kihyun doesn't think he can take it, at least, not without feeling like his heart is being torn in half. 

Hoseok must know, must be able to feel Kihyun crumbling inside (and of course he can feel it), because he reaches for Kihyun's face, his hand cupping Kihyun's cheek and gently tilting his head up so that Kihyun's looking into his eyes again. 

"Kihyunnie," Hoseok whispers, his eyes bright, determined. He runs a thumb over Kihyun's wet cheek and doesn't say anything else. 

He smiles, gently, and Kihyun suddenly understands. He suddenly understands everything. 

It all makes perfect sense, and though Kihyun's always been afraid to even entertain the notion for fear of being wrong, and for fear of being _right_ , he can't say he's surprised. The thing is, he always knew it, the truth always hovering at the back of his mind, always warming the depths of his heart, punctuating every interaction between the two of them, all of the affection and care and happiness shared between them. He knew it; he _knows_ it. 

And the truth is, he feels the same way, always has. 

Kihyun's lips open slightly, his eyes widen, intense color rushes to his cheeks. The space around them is still and silent and Hoseok is looking right at him, relieved, terrified, breathless. 

Kihyun understands, and for a single moment, he's happier than he's ever been in his entire life. But then, he _understands_ , and suddenly, all of his happiness vanishes, in an instant. 

"Oh, hyung," he murmurs, his eyes slipping shut, because looking at Hoseok right now hurts too much. His lips quiver. "We can't." 

He can feel it between them as Hoseok deflates, as all of his courage and determination and everything he's been bottling up all these years rushes out in a single, shaky breath. Kihyun opens his eyes, and Hoseok's are wet, but he's still looking at him, devastated, his hand still cradling Kihyun's cheek. 

"I love you," Hoseok says, and it's like a knife to Kihyun's chest. 

Kihyun doesn't say anything. He feels like his heart has stopped, feels like he can't breathe. They look at each other in silence, and it seems to go on forever. 

And then, before he realizes what he's doing, Kihyun leans forward to close the inch of space between them. His eyes slip closed, and he kisses Hoseok softly on the lips, just once, just this once, an unspoken response to Hoseok's confession. An unspoken reciprocation. 

Hoseok's lips are soft and warm, and it's incredible, but it's over all too quickly, and they won't be able to do it again. 

When Kihyun pulls back, his eyes flutter open, and he sees that Hoseok's are still closed. His lips are parted, and there's another moment of silence. Then, Hoseok chuckles, sadly, heartbroken. 

"Kihyunnie," he murmurs, a single tear sliding down his cheek, "you're hurting me." 

Hoseok's hand is still on his face, and Kihyun reaches up, places his own hand over Hoseok's and squeezes. He's shaking, he realizes, and Hoseok has pressed against him even closer, a warm, strong, comforting presence as always. 

"I know," Kihyun replies, and he lets out his own sad chuckle, "I'm hurting _me_ , too." 

They both understand without having to speak, that the feeling is shared between them. But they both know that there's nothing they can do. 

They can't, no matter how much they may want to. They _can't_. Not now, not in this life. 

"I love you," Hoseok says again, breathes it out, and Kihyun feels his own tears trickling down his cheeks. He can't respond, his voice won't work, and Hoseok wraps his strong arms around him, holds him tight and pulls him in close until Kihyun's head is tucked comfortably under Hoseok's chin. Kihyun can feel Hoseok's heartbeat thumping through his thin shirt, and Kihyun turns his face, buries his nose into Hoseok's chest and cries. Kihyun doesn't have to say anything; Hoseok _knows_. 

"Stay with me tonight?" Hoseok asks, voice impossibly soft. 

Kihyun doesn't respond, but he presses in closer, wraps his arms around Hoseok until they're hopelessly entangled. 

They fall asleep like that, unable to do anything more, but knowing that their hearts are always open for each other, in any way that they can be.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on twitter @justiceforkiho


End file.
